


Our First Steps.

by Yourheartstillworks



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Dominant Kylo Ren, F/M, Falling In Love, He probably won't be like SUPER dom, If i do smut, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, Realization of ones evil, a nice in between for those of you who want it, but it won't be like embarrassing virgin either, but maybe, maybe? - Freeform, that is Kylo Ren, to where it's scary, which I don't do too often, with a psychopath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-06-01 01:20:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6495214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yourheartstillworks/pseuds/Yourheartstillworks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You've always been a Knight of Ren, a killer. But... you are starting to realize that maybe everything you've done, everything you've become... is wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jakku

**Author's Note:**

> Are you?  
> Are you?  
> Coming to the tree?  
> Where they strung up a man, they say  
> Who murdered three.  
> Strange things did happen here  
> No stranger would it be  
> If we met at midnight  
> In the Hanging Tree. >>>>>

It’s _ hot.  _ Perhaps a bit too hot for your liking. You’d never enjoyed being in the desert, especially not in the thick fabric that was mandatory for you and your group to wear. Luckily for you, it was dark out, and most of the heat that you felt was that which radiated off of the tents and buildings of this small town. That which came from where bodies of innocents now burned. Which didn’t bother you, of course. You had seen enough death now, that something like this barely tickled your emotions. Still… a small part of you wished, that at least the woman and children would have been spared. Then again, even they were a part of the Galactic Resistance. 

\-- And you? You are a Knight of Ren.  _ Killing is and always will be, just a part of your average day. _

 

You nearly roll your eyes when that familiar mechanical voice gives others commands as you stand back, waiting for your own instructions. He turns to you, “Y/N,” He says, “You will stay here on Jakku with the Troopers, see if you can find any clues as to where the map went.”

 

He can’t see it through your own mask, but he can feel you roll your eyes in his direction. You sigh, nodding. “Yes, of course.” There was no arguing with Kylo Ren. 

 

A Trooper walks over to you, standing at your side. “Ma’am. We will be traveling to the next town.” He says. You look to Kylo.

 

“Whoever took the map couldn’t have gotten very far.” He answers, then he turns swiftly. He stops just before he enters his command ship. “Be careful.” He says before entering the ship finally, troopers on his tail.

 

You sigh again, looking to your group of troopers. “I suppose we should get going.” You say. The nearest Trooper nods. 

 

\--

 

The travel to the next town was a long one. But it is the nearest, and you know that Kylo is right. Whoever took the map from the old man was either in that town, or buried beneath the sand. In that case, you were all screwed. It was just like a resistance member to  _ kill themselves  _ so that the First Order wouldn’t win.

 

You almost cry out with joy upon seeing the small gather of tents come into view. There is a small yard in which holds many ships. You recognize one. It was probably a replica. If not, you knew exactly how Kylo would feel. 

 

By now, the sun is risen. It’s even hotter than it was last night, and you curse Kylo for his stupid  _ dress code.  _ You hop down off of your speeder, looking around. You feel a familiar buzz at your hip. You grab it and click the small button on the side. Kylo’s voice comes through in your ear. 

 

“The map is being held by a droid. A BB-8 Unit, orange and white.” He says.

“Of course it is.” You reply as you continue to watch the villagers. Scavengers. 

 

“One more thing- the man that we captured last night escaped.”   
  


“Escaped?” You stop walking.

 

“He was helped by one of our own. A Trooper. FN-2187.” 

 

“I remember him. The one from the village. The one that wouldn’t shoot. He’ll have the droid-”   
  


“He’ll be dead. Their ship crashed somewhere on the outskirts of Jakku.” 

 

You are silent for a moment. “I’ll find the droid.” You reply quickly, clicking the off button of your communicator and stuffing it back into the holster. You look at your Troopers, “The map is hidden within a BB-8 unit. Find it.” You order, they nod and disperse. 

 

You take a deep breath. How on earth did those Storm Troopers manage to do anything on this dreadful rock. You were hot enough with your own helmet on. You sigh, Kylo wouldn’t know if you took off your helmet. At least for a little while. You pull the thing off of your head and hold it at your side. It definitely feels better now that it was gone.

 

You started to walk around the small town, watching as people, scavengers, ran about. You hear some of them grumbling about how the main shop was closed now. You stop to listen at the mention of some girl and her droid. You quickly look around. That couldn’t have been long ago.

 

“Oy!” You hear. You turn to see a man being chased by a girl with a staff. Behind her, rolls a droid, orange and white. You grab your communicator, bringing it to your lips. “I found the droid.” You say. The Troopers all answer back. 

 

You sneak around a small tent, hidden from the two. The man on the ground has an odd familiarity to him. He tells the girl that he is a resistance fighter. He stands and the sound of frantic beeping reaches your ears. The BB-8 rolls towards the exit, and the girl follows. So does the man. Wait-- That was… FN-2187. The traitor!

 

You quickly remove your weapon from its holster, coming out from your hiding spot. The two spin around and before you can land a blow on that damn traitor, the girl blocks your hit and sends you flying back. You hit a large jug. 

 

“Run!” The girl shouts, and she and FN flee. 

 

Not on your watch. You drop your helmet, there is no need for it. You run after them, knowing who to attack this time. 

 

TIE-fighters zoom above you. You look around, spotting the traitors enter a small tent. Probably to look for some kind of a weapon. Though you would argue that the girls stick was weapon enough. The bruise now forming on your stomach would be proof enough of that. You stand back, point at the tent and yell,  “THAT ONE.” Into your communicator. The First Order just needs the map. It matters not what happens to the carrier. 

 

You get as far back as possible before the sound of an explosion rings out. You curse as the duo exits the tent before detonation. Along with that damned droid. 

 

The girl crawls over, trying to shake her companion awake. He groans as he tries to sit up. She helps him up but before the two can start their run once again, you swing at the girls back with your weapon. She dodges it, somehow, and spins around. She hits you in the same place she did before. You stumble back, but catch yourself before you fall. You swing your weapon and she blocks, but this time, she hits you in the temple. You fall forwards, into the sand. 

  
\--


	2. Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is surprisingly less angry about your failure on Jakku then you thought he would be. You can't say the same for a fellow Knight of Ren, however...

You recognize the softness of your own bed when you wake up. 

 

You bring a hand up to your temple, feeling at the bruise that the girl had given you. You are surprised to find that there is not a bruise on your stomach, where she had hit you twice. You crack your eyes open, wonderfully thankful for the darkness of your bedroom. You slowly sit up, resting upon the wall. 

 

It takes you a while to actually get out of bed. After all, you probably had a concussion (You sure as hell felt like it) and it would give you a perfect excuse not to perform your Knight of Ren duties, at least for a few days. But you had learned all kinds of information. No doubt, Kylo already knew about the girl. You felt the heaviness in the air as you opened your door. It scared you slightly, knowing that he would not have a very good reaction to your most recent failure. Then again, neither of you were expecting this girl. 

 

You are thankful when you walk on deck, for there is hardly anyone there. You get a little nervous as you walk down the east hall. You realize once you get to the end of the hallway, why there is hardly anyone there. Kylo. He stands in front of a control panel, hands rested in front of it. He seems tense, and so does the air around him. 

 

You clear your throat. He flinches slightly and turns to look at you. It’s silent for a moment as you two stare at eachother. You clear your throat once more, looking away for a second. You realize that you’re not wearing your helmet. It’s been a long time since he has seen you without it. “I apologize sir, for my failure to capture the droid on Jakku.” 

 

He stands still, then shakes his head slowly. “You were not expecting it to get help.” 

 

It’s now that you look to the panel, which is completely destroyed. Large red gashes cover the thing. 

 

“Even so,” You continue, “I am a Knight of Ren. I should have been able to handle a  _ scavenger _ .”

 

You find it odd that Kylo isn’t more angry about this. You lost the map to Luke Skywalker, after all. You expected yourself to become much like that control panel. Very dead. And very by Kylo Ren. “It doesn’t matter. We will find that map. The First Order will get to Skywalker first.” 

 

Before any more can be said, the leader of the Knights rushes past you. You take one last look at that control panel and turn to follow him out. 

 

\--

 

Even if Kylo is being sort of-- chill -- about this whole thing, you can’t help but feel majorly responsible for a major screw up. You had worked your whole life to become what you are today. You questioned why Kylo had sent you of all people on that mission. Why not one of the other Knights? Someone more trustworthy to get the job done? Someone who had never failed, and would not have failed then either.

 

Though Kylo was not bothered by your- incompetence, the other Knights were. You knew very well that only one of them was going to say something to your face. While the rest sat in the shadows and gossiped. Some said that you were sentenced to death. Some said that you had been kicked off the base for good. Some said-- that you weren’t getting punished in either of those ways. You knew exactly what that implied, and it made you gag. If Kylo were to hear that one, the Knights would be no more.

 

Golin was a very popular Knight of Ren. He was consulted often by higher-ups. Captains and Generals of that sort. He was the Knight that _ should have _ gone to Jakku. The one that wouldn’t have messed up. And he was making it abundantly clear. Three times, you had counted in the last day, he had interrupted you.

 

“Careful.” He said the first time,  _ “You wouldn’t want to mess up.” _

 

“Better watch out for this one,” He said the second time, “She’s got a pretty bad concussion.”

 

The third time, he was a lot less subtle about it. “I should’ve been down on Jakku. Not you.” 

 

\--

 

You hadn’t expected Golin to get as  _ physical _ as he did. He had every right to be angry,  _ you _ were angry at yourself. But that still did not give him an excuse to knock you on your ass during training every chance he got.

 

You wanted to hit him back, but you found that it was far more mature of you to just deal with it and move on. The whole Jakku ordeal was already a week and a half behind you, and you were _ still  _ getting your ass kicked during training.

 

You groan loudly as you stand up, glaring daggers at Golin. He chuckles, holding his weapon up again.  “Come on, (Y/N),” He says, “You said you weren’t weak. Prove it.”

 

You cross your arms across your chest. “You’ve already kept me thirty minutes past training time. I would like to eat, if that’s fine with you.”

 

After a full week and a half of this, you’re totally ready to shoot him into oblivion. But still you know that it wouldn’t sit well afterwards. You’ve been noticing during the last week, that you were slowly losing your composure. At night, you dream of all the innocent people you’d killed, and it wakes you up. It has gotten increasingly worse over the past few days. Last night, you woke up screaming and thrashing. Luckily, the walls were soundproof, so no Troopers (Or god forbid, Kylo himself) had entered your chambers.

 

“You can eat once we’re done.” Golin snaps, readying himself once more. You scrunch up your nose a little, narrowing your eyes. 

 

“And I’m tired.” You continue. “I also want to sleep.”

 

He huffs, “Will you just shut up, you idiot?!” He shouts. You would have continued your charade. You would have kept on taking the higher road. But you have been up all day and for most of the night after that night-terror-- and you were really hungry goddamnit! 

 

Instead of swinging your weapon as you usually do (and as he’s prepared to block) you go for a more  _ stabbing  _ motion. Like trying to spear a fish in a river. It hits Golin straight in the chest and sends him tumbling back. He lands flat on his ass, and you can’t keep from laughing at him. 

 

Even though he is wearing his helmet, you can tell that he is about ready to kill you. You shut your mouth and throw your weapon down. “I’m going to get food.” You announce, and walk around him, leaving his stupid angry butt plastered to the floor. 

 

“You’re such a fucking baby” You spit before you’re completely out of the room.

\--

 

You are very thankful by the end of the day. After training, you rush as fast as you can to your room. You are ready to have a little alone time. As soon as you get in, you throw your cape off and let it fall to the ground next to the door. You collapse onto the bed, sighing into the thick covers. You move your head to look over at the nightstand. You see your helmet rested there. You nearly forgot that wearing that thing was fairly important. You hadn’t been wearing it for medical reasons. It put too much pressure on your head. What, with the concussion that had already calmed down and all.

 

You nearly cry when you hear the buzz of your communicator go off. You sit up and grab the thing, clicking the button to listen to the message.

 

“Lord Ren requires your presence in the training room.” 

 

You rub your eyes and toss the communicator onto the bed. As you exit your room, you hope that whatever Kylo wants will be short. You just want to go to bed.

  
\--


	3. Weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo must speak to you about Golin's behavior.

As you enter the training room, you’re greeted with that familiar stench of burning metal and plastic. From the training dummies. You stand at the room's entrance, holding your hands behind your back and waiting. 

 

After a few more minutes of slicing open the rubber training dummies, Kylo Ren turns to look at you, hooking his lightsaber back to his belt. “Y/N, thank you for joining me.” He says.

 

“Of course, sir.” You reply. Once again, the two of you are meeting and you aren’t wearing your helmet. The one most important thing for you to wear. He looks at you and turns to the side slightly.

 

“I wanted to speak with you about Jakku.” He says. You flinch, looking downwards. Here it finally was. He was practicing on those dummies to come up with the best way to kill you. “But mostly about Golin,” He continues.  _ What? _

 

You look back up at him and raise a questioning eyebrow. Surely he wasn’t serious. Of all the people to worry about it was a stupid  _ bully?  _ That meaning he should be more focused on _ your  _ mistakes, not what Golin has been saying-- doing-- the past few days.

 

“Golin has been  _ arrogant  _ of late.  _ Egotistic. _ ” Kylo explains. “From what I understand, he hasn’t been very gracious about this whole ordeal. You two fight for the same team and if he is against you then I must know. I  _ refuse  _ to have someone like that a part of this Order.”

 

You stay quiet for a second, knowing that if you give Kylo the exact information he is looking for, a fellow Knight will most likely be sliced in half. Even if you’d wished before that Golin were dead (so that he could not bother you anymore), you couldn’t shake this feeling floating around in your chest. You can’t explain exactly what the feeling is, but you do know that it was slowly breaking down the facade that you’d been building up over the years. “He has been… a bit violent, sir. In training, he’s been making it a point to attack me.” You explain. 

 

Kylo must be able to sense how you’re feeling (even if you can’t place the feeling), because he simply nods and turns back around. “You can return to your room.” He says.

 

You stare at him for a second, then swiftly exit the training room. You just now notice the heat in your cheeks and the fact that you have been holding your breath. As you near your room, that feeling in your chest begins to grow. And now another feeling. Fear. For you have now placed what you are feeling.  _ Guilt. _

_ \-- _

 

Morning hits you like a large street bus. You had gotten little sleep last night. Tossing and turning and  _ thinking _ . Then the nightmares when you were able to actually shut your eyes. The nightmares about the village on Jakku. About the burning bodies of the innocents. You cover your face with your blankets, desperately hoping that once they are removed, it will still be night- and you will have another chance to get some sleep. You don’t get the satisfaction.

 

The breakfast is even more terrible than usual. Or perhaps it’s the gnawing feeling at your stomach that you can only describe as guilt. First of all, the Knights usually all sat together at one table. However, Golin was not here this morning, and you were practically staring at the door for a whole five minutes, waiting for him to enter. Right now, his mocking didn’t seem so bad. You just hoped he was alive. 

 

One of the other Knights, Kristhan, elbows you lightly. You look up to him. He jerks his head to the left. You look over his shoulder. You drop your fork on the plate and nearly choke on the food that’s in your mouth. It’s Golin. He’s sitting by himself in the far corner, it nothing but gray clothes,  _ no mask in sight.  _

 

Before the clatter of your fork on your plate can attract any attention, you straighten back up and grab your fork. You can feel Golin looking towards you. You can feel his glare. What had you done? Kylo hadn't killed him. He’d demoted the poor guy. Stripped Golin of his title and thrown him out. Given him janitor clothings. He wasn’t dead, and you wished and wished that it wasn’t so. Because, not only would the ex-knight be angry about your previous confrontation, he would know that you were the reason his whole existence was taken from him. His whole reason for living. 

 

You start to feel a bit dizzy. It can’t be from the concussion, those symptoms had stopped a while ago. But.. It was something about Golin. Something about the way he was looking at you. You stand up, excusing yourself. You grab your tray and walk to the trash cans, nearly tripping as you make eye-contact with Golin. He just glares at you, grip tightening on the edges of his tray. You know he is going to follow you. 

 

You flee as fast as you can, towards your bedroom. But you can feel him behind you. You can just  _ sense it.  _ You know you won’t make it back to your room, but you know that you can reach the training room. At least there is weapons in the training room. You turn a corner, hoping maybe it won’t come to that. But you can still sense him behind you. 

 

Once you reach the training room, you immediately go for your weapon. Then a blaster. Before you can grab the blaster, or your weapon, Golin takes hold of your hair, pulling you to the ground. 

 

You grunt, but spin around quickly, ready to knock his feet from under him. But as soon as you flip around, you’re hit in the face with something. Golins weapon, it was much like the scavengers staff. Only, it was more ready for fighting, and it hurt a lot more. You land on your side, covering your head with your arms, knowing he’s going to hit again. He does, the impact feels like it might break your arm.

 

“GET UP!” Golin screams.

 

You stand up, jumping back as he swipes at you. He throws the staff down and removes a knife from under his vest. The knife has something on it. It’s a gross yellow-ish color and it stinks. You reach back to grab your weapon, just barely dodging a straight stab from that knife. But before you can do anything about the next attack, it hits you hard. The knife swipes across your arm and you scream as your skin begins to bubble. Poison. That’s what that stuff is. It causes you to lose focus and drop your weapon. You fall to your knees, hand shooting up to your wound.

 

“ _This_ is why I should’ve been chosen.” Golin hisses, “But he always chooses _you_! He _always chooses you!!”_ Boom. He hits you with the staff. Bang, twice.  “You’re WEAK!” He screams, and he holds up the staff. You know he is going for your head. By now, your arm is numb, and that numbness is moving into the rest of your body. Your vision starts to fade and black spots appear. But before they can completely take over, you see a flash of red.

  
\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy! I am so happy about how many people have read this story and given it kudos!! It's been what-- three days? And I've already gotten almost 300 hits! That's big for me. (Considering one of my only stories has barely 200 and it's been up since November) Either way. I am so happy that you guys like this, and I will be continuing it the best I can. :)


	4. Bodies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have too much light in me, I guess."
> 
> "That's not a bad thing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning. This chapter has a nightmare scene that gets pretty graphic. So if you don't like reading stuff about *corpses and stuff* then you can skip the nightmare scene. It's just important to know that the reader had the nightmare.

_ Four days. _ Four days is how long you’ve been knocked out. The poison had spread pretty quickly throughout your body, leaving you paralyzed. Luckily, that was only temporary. By now, you could feel the upper part of your body. The doctors had gotten the nasty stuff out of your system, and they told you that your legs would return within a couple of days.

 

Until then, you get to stay in your bed. Nice and comfy and a tad bit annoyed with all the visiting. There was not multiple visitors, but one. Kylo. He has not stopped bothering you since you got back from the medical ward. You enjoy having company every once in awhile, but not all the time every day.

 

On the third day, you decide to leave the bedroom door unlocked. He can easily get into the main room, but he usually has trouble getting into your room. You wiggle your toes on your left foot under the blanket. A part of you is so thankful that the feeling is returning. The other part of you wishes you didn’t have to go back to work. 

 

You look towards the door as you hear a timid knock. You expect the nurse to come in, but are shocked to find that it is in fact Kylo Ren. Without his helmet. You blink a few times, to make sure you’re not hallucinating from your drugs. Nope. He’s real. As real as the heat pooling in your cheeks.

 

He’d become so handsome. The last time you saw him without his mask on was a little under fifteen years ago. He was so young then, just a child. Then again, so were you.

 

“How-- how are you…” 

 

“I’m feeling better, thank you.” You reply, knowing he too was uncomfortable in this situation. “If you don’t mind me asking, sir,” You gesture towards his helmet-less face.

 

He shrugs. “I thought you would feel better talking to the real me.” 

 

“The real you.” You repeat. “I hardly know who that is.” 

 

He looks down at his feet for a moment. “Neither do I.” 

 

You stretch a bit and sit up against the headboard. “I haven’t thanked you.” You say slowly, “For- For… you know… Saving me.”  _ Killing Golin. _

 

“I could hear you.” He says, bringing a finger to his temple. “Your fear. It was so strong, I thought that I was feeling it myself.”

 

You sigh a little, bringing your blanket a bit higher. “I am weak…” You say. “I don’t think that I am meant to be a Knight.”

 

Kylo steps towards your bedside. “If you were not meant to be a Knight, Supreme Leader would not have chosen you--”

 

“I was manipulated.” You say quickly. You know that sharing your true feelings could get you thrown out into deep space or worse. But they’ve been growing upon you so much. Even in a paralyzed state, you could still have nightmares. “I think about what we did at the temple. I think about all the children. The children that were my age-- Kylo-- we were kids. We were so young… we killed for Snoke. He manipulated us.”

 

Kylo looks utterly disgusted by the mention of Snoke in that context. “The Supreme Leader is wise-”

 

“The Supreme Leader is a _ liar _ …” You state, staring at your bedsheets. “I don’t want to kill for him anymore.”

 

The conversation doesn’t go anywhere else, because in a split second, Kylo is rushing out of the room. 

 

But you don’t feel anything from him. Not anger… nothing. You inhale deeply and slowly lay back down. 

 

\--

 

Three days after your confrontation with Kylo, he is still avoiding you. You can see why, of course. The light side was pulling you and you were letting it. He was always fighting it. But you knew the light was there, inside him. You remember the days after the temple. You remember how he avoided everyone and stayed in his room. You remember how he spared Luke Skywalker, his uncle. You remember how Kylo regretted his decision when Snoke almost _ killed _ him.

 

You still have nightmares, and they are still getting worse. Each night, it’s different. Each night, you relive all of the countless murders you’ve committed. 

 

It’s when he realizes how bad the nightmares are, that he begins to understand your dilemma. 

 

Snoke has sent you all on a mission. A short one, to receive some information on the resistance. That night, each of the Knights are given their own tent on this foreign planet- (what’s it called? Taeliina? Taelana?)- and they are quite spread out. Kylo announces before letting you all retire for the night, that they are spaced out in case of attack. It would be better to lose one than all. 

 

You know that Kylo is not going to sleep tonight. He will patrol and make sure nothing is happening to his Knights. 

 

\--

 

First, you smell the rotting flesh. When you open your eyes, there are countless bodies. They are all grouped together, thrown on top of one another like garbage. You almost puke, covering your mouth with your hands. You yelp as one of the bodies moves, and then another, and then all of them are trying to get to you. 

 

Hoarse voices call out to you as you back away. You try not to touch them. Your back hits a brick wall and you can’t stop the tears. An old woman reaches out for you, touching your cheek lightly. “D-Don’t kill them-- they-- they are children…” She croaks. Behind her, a group of small children stare up at you. One by one they smile. They begin to reach for you too.

 

You press up against the wall further, trying to escape the hands. Many more people reach out for you and you can’t breathe.

 

“Stop…” You say weakly, swatting at the old womans hand. Her children still smile and grab at your clothes. The old woman reaches out again and-- she scratches at your face with an enormous amount of strength. You scream as blood trickles down your chin. “I’m sorry…” You say. “I’m so so sorry… please… please…” The children get hold of your clothing and pull you down into the crowd of corpses.

 

The people surround you and start grabbing at you. They start piling in. You take a deep breath but it’s no use. They get closer and closer and you keep screaming. “I’m sorry! Please! Please! I’M SORRY!” 

 

\--

 

“STOP!” You scream, scrambling up out of bed. You throw the covers off and toss around, grabbing at your throat. They’re still there, all of them. They still hold you down and cry. The old woman is yelling at you now.

 

“Y/N.” Someone grabs your shoulders, but the hands feel different somehow. “Y/N, open your eyes.” They sound distant. You cry out again as the old woman scratches at you again, this time catching your thigh. “Y/N!” 

 

Your eyes shoot open and you grasp at whoever is holding you. You take deep breaths, trying to calm down best you can. You blink, “K-Kylo…?” You say, voice weak and shaky. 

 

“I had no idea.” He replies softly. “Y/N... “ He brings a hand up to your cheek, you flinch, clenching your teeth.  “You’re bleeding.”

 

“W-What…?” You feel your cheek too, and gasp. The scratch that the old woman gave you is still there. Kylo moves his hand and holds it towards the corner of the tent. Out of one of the bags, comes a first-aid kit. It flies directly into his hand and he quickly opens it. 

 

“It’s not… It’s not bad…” You say, trying to steady your breathing. “I can barely feel it.”

 

“That’s not what matters here, (Y/N).” Kylo says. He removes his helmet and throws it aside. He begins treating the wound. “It’s  _ how _ the wound got there. This happened in your dream, yes?” He asks.

 

“Yes.” You answer. “It was… She scratched me…” You start to cry, “Stars… They…. There were so many… They were all dead… they were rotting…” You sob. “They were begging me to spare them…”

 

“It looks like you were the one that needed sparing.” Kylo says. You look him in the eyes.

 

“How do you do it? How do you deal?”

 

He pauses for a moment. “I don’t.”

 

“I can’t go through that any longer…” 

 

“I know.”

 

“I can’t be a Knight.”

 

“I know.” 

 

You look up at him. “I have too much light in me, I guess.” 

 

He sighs deeply, finishing up. “That’s not a bad thing.”

 

You give him a look. “What do you mean? After all that you’ve done to eliminate the light in yourself.”

  
He closes the first-aid kit. “I don’t want to the light eliminated.” He says. “I want it to seem that way.”

 

\--


	5. Visions

There is a long pause as Kylo stares down at the medical kit while you sit there trying to comprehend what he has just told you. You watch him as he sets the kit gently back into your bag. You glance to his helmet as he turns, then back to him. Knowing you shouldn’t pry (you’d be too afraid to anyway) you shut your mouth and look down at your lap. Your fingers gently feel the fresh bandage on your cheek.

You flinch as he leans down to grab his helmet. He pauses before reaching for it. Just as his fingers wrap around the edge of the helmet, you gently place your hand on his arm. He looks back up to you and you smile very lightly. “I won’t tell anyone.” You promise, pretty much understanding what he had meant. — and just when you think he doesn’t have any more surprises hidden up his sleeve— the great Kylo Ren smiles back at you.

—— and then he is gone.

 

———

The next few weeks are uneventful, and you are not complaining. After a previous Resistance attack, the Knights had been all sent to separate places. Luckily, you got to stay right at home. Or at least— right in your own bed. Which is exactly where you wanted to be. Even if you never got more than an hours rest. Still, it was nice. Not being bothered by anyone. Not even Kylo. You found yourself only slightly disappointed by that fact, but you understood that he was busy- and that he had shown a part of himself and given a secret that nobody should have seen nor heard.

He must have trusted you, you think as you stare at the ceiling. He must have, otherwise he would never have told you such a secret. Why did he trust you, though? Sure, you two were long time acquaintances. You had been quite diligent with all your previous work, excluding Jakku. 

Did he feel sorry for you? Because of the nightmare? Which, by the way, you would’ve liked an answer for why you got physically hurt by a dream. You want to push that thought away, but Kylo seemed worried about it before… which made you equally worried. For different reasons, of course. You actually had no idea what was happening to you.

You sigh deeply, turning over to lay on your side. Your stomach growls and you groan loudly, not wishing to get up out of bed. But- you know that eating is probably good for you. You sit up and stretch, then kick your legs over the side of the bed. You get up and start to put your Knight clothes back on. It’d been an awful long time since you’d worn them. As soon as your helmet clicks into place, you leave the room.

It’s strangely silent when you exit. You don’t hear anyone walking around, which was unusual. You walk down the dark hallway towards the mess hall. Maybe everyone was at lunch. Maybe there was an important meeting going on. You have to stop walking when the sounds of people yelling, of people giving orders fills your ears. Your vision goes fuzzy for a second, and you blame the mask. But there’s something else. This doesn’t feel real to you. As soon as you turn the corner, the ground starts to shake beneath you. It splits open in front of you and you can see an orange glow. It starts to get really hot, hotter than being on Jakku. The crack goes larger and you spot some storm troopers and other people trying to get away from it. The sound of something flying overhead becomes louder than the screams. 

— and then, the crack grows wider. The people who are running fall in, one by one. You try to get away as fast as possible, but it is growing to fast, and you are beginning to get dizzy from the heat. You step on your cape and curse loudly. The fabric tugs and you fly backwards. That’s it. Done. 

—

You wake up, sweating and panting in bed. You feel your head, having to pull your hand away as if you’d touched hot metal. Your helmet! Although you are not wearing it, you remember putting it on. That was— it had to have been a vision. Of the future perhaps. You sit and ponder for a second. Then it snaps. It was Starkiller base! Imploding in on itself. God, would Hux be upset. Would you tell Hux? Is that who you go to in these situations.

You certainly weren’t going to the Supreme Leader. Then- that left only one person that you trusted enough- and that was talented with the force. You get out of bed, not bothering with the Knight clothes. Now you’re terrified of that cloak. You tear out of your room and down the hallway. It doesn’t take you long to find Kylo, and he tries to escape you as soon as he sees you running towards him.

“Sir!” You call out. He stops and turns back towards you. If he weren’t wearing his helmet, you’d like to slap him. “Sir…” You pant, coming to a stop in front of him. You take a deep breath. “I had..a vision.” You say slowly, trying to breathe some more. “About the base.” 

He stares at you, waiting for you to calm down. You can tell that he wants you to continue.

“If we use the weapon… It will be our end.” You explain. “I saw it.” And you felt it- by the way. You still can feel it. You’re still sweating like nobody’s business and it isn’t all because you ran all this way. “It explodes. I think the resistance gets to it. I think I heard x-wings.” 

Kylo is silent for a long time. “Are you sure it was not just another nightmare?” You scowl, and he nods. “What do you want me to do about this?”

You pause, “Convince Hux not to use the weapon.”  
\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this took me so long. I am SO SORRY.


	6. Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I knew it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh this chapter is so short. I'm so sorry.

 

“Kylo!” You snap, running after the sith. You bump your shoulder on a corner as you turn. You curse under your breathe and continue after him. He should know by now to listen to you. So why wasn’t he? Why was he running away from this like always? Did he not believe you? 

 

“What do you want me to say, (Y/N)?” He asks, stopping. You nearly run into him, stumbling a bit as you stop. “Sorry, Hux, but we can’t use the weapon you’ve been developing for a little over a year because  _ she  _ saw a vision of it imploding.” He turns to face you, having to look down.

 

“People  _ died. _ ” You say angrily. “I watched them! And…” You pause, “I think that I will die.” 

 

You can feel the tension in the air grow as Kylo looks down at you. “What do you mean?” He asks quietly. He takes a step towards you.

 

“Before I woke up, I tripped. I fell right into the crack in the planet.” You glare up at him. “I felt the heat. I could feel it as I fell. It was a _ vision,  _ Kylo. It’s going to happen.”

 

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” Kylo growls. You give him a look as he turns around. “Follow me.”

 

You throw your arms up, huffing. “I _ knew  _ it.” You say, laughing a bit. Kylo stops, looking over his shoulder. “I  _ knew  _ you liked me.”

 

He spins around, “Like _ you? _ ” He asks, trying to sound skeptic. But you can hear the tone, and you can practically feel the heat radiating off of his cheeks. You know he’s blushing. 

 

“You always have,” He scoffs and you roll your eyes, beginning to pace. “You didn’t kill me when I failed on Jakku, you killed Golin for me, you were there for me while I was paralyzed, and you told me a secret that you’ve never told anyone. Why would you do that unless--” You’re cut off as the sound of metal hitting the floor. You look back up to Kylo, whose face is tomato red, just as you expected it to be. “And then there was the one time, when we were kids. You--” before you can get anything else out, Kylo steps towards you. He pulls you closer to him and leans down, pressing his lips into yours. You jump a bit as your back touches the metal wall. He was gentler than you expected. The way he held you was soft, caring. Like he was holding a small animal, afraid that he might constrict it.

 

When your lips separate, you look up to Kylo, wide eyed. “You just--” You pause, he nods. “And I just--” You pause once more, Kylo nodding. You blink slowly and pull away, pushing past him. “Stars! Kylo- anyone could have seen that!” You whisper harshly. He smirks at you, no doubt because your face is as red as his is. “It’s not a joke.” 

 

“Love never is.” Kylo says, grinning. God, you feel like melting. You never even gave your feelings towards him a second thought. When you were teens, just learning the way of the force- you found him quite attractive. But once you became a Knight, you had to drop those feelings. And now it’s happening, just as you had dreamed. 

  
  


\--


	7. Like a candle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love... how could this homicidal maniac ever love anyone? Well- he loves you, at least. And the beginning of a relationship is always the best part, right?

For someone who has spent most of their life with a mask over his face, Kylo Ren really knows how to kiss. And how can someone who murders entire villages every other week be so gentle when cuddling? 

 

You’ve never had a relationship- how could you? It’s not like it’s against the rules- in fact, Leader Snoke would have encouraged relationships. After all, what was it? Fear of losing someone you love is a path to the dark side. Which is what you and the Knights of Ren were firmly placed into at a young age. But even if you could have a relationship, you found most of the men you worked around childish and annoying. Take Hux for an example. That red-headed freak is always yelling and pouting. 

 

But Kylo is different somehow. Sure, before all of this relationship stuff, he acted like an arrogant little brat. But he’s changing, or at least acting different because of his feelings for you. He is polite and calm, he never raises his voice with you, even when you’re yelling about something. He brings your food to you and eats with you. You are hardly ever apart from him. Which you don’t mind. Not since leaving your family have you had such strong emotions about something. 

 

And then that word crawls up your spine. When you’re sleeping, or eating, or when he’s kissing you.  _ Love _ . Kylo Ren said that he loves you. He makes sure that you know he  _ loves  _ you. Through as many ways as he can. You both live on a planet covered in ice and snow, so flowers don’t often show up at your doorstep. But you can stand that, especially with him snuggling up to you at night. Stars- you’re sure you love him too. But have you said that to him yet? Of course not. But Kylo knows not to push it. He doesn’t bring it up or make you feel bad about not saying it, because he knows you. He knows you’ll eventually bring yourself to say it, if you ever put aside the embarrassment and-- oh yeah- the fact that you can’t really be with him, _ the sith lord _ .

 

But you love him, and nothing is ever going to change that. He’s not at all what everyone else sees him as. He’s not the big bad scary Kylo Ren. He’s Ben Solo. He’s gentle and kind and soft. He talks to you as if it were twenty years ago, both of you younglings being trained by Luke. Like the boy who would pick piles of grass with his powers and throw them at his uncle. The boy who used to talk about his father, the greatest smuggler in the galaxy. In which Luke would chime in, “War hero.” The boy who drew pictures and wrote letters, planning on sending them to his mother. 

 

That’s who you’re in love with. A human being. Not a monster. The boy that you saw twenty years ago, the one that you thought you’d lost, he never left. He’s always been there, he always will be. 

 

\--

“The droid escaped with the girl. We’re sure that it is in the hands of the resistance by now.” Hux doesn’t even look up from his holopad as he speaks to you and Kylo. 

 

Kylo nods lightly. “What of the weapon?”

 

“It’s ready to be charged.” Hux replies. You glance up at Kylo. 

 

“P-” He starts, but is interrupted by an officer.

 

“General. The droid has been spotted on Takodana. With Han Solo and the girl.” The officer says as she runs up to Hux. Hux immediately stops what he’s doing on the holopad.

 

“Send the division. Ren.” He looks up to the masked man. Kylo nods, walking away. You pause for a moment and then follow him.

 

“Are you sure you want to go?” You ask, catching up to him. “Yo-”

 

“My father is there. Yes. But the droid is more important. I must find Luke before the resistance does.” He pauses, stopping to look at you. “Come with me.”

 

“Of course.” You nod, glancing behind you as Hux begins to give out orders. Kylo holds out his hand for you and you take it, giving it a small squeeze before the two of you make your way to the command shuttle. 

 

“We will leave for Takodana as soon as the weapon fires.” Kylo says. You feel sick to your stomach as soon as you think about it. How many people are going to die. Kylo squeezes your hand once more. “I know.” He whispers. 

 

Fifteen minutes, you hear them say. Fifteen minutes and this weapon will bring about an unimaginable amount of death. You shut your eyes and take a deep breath as you and Kylo board the command shuttle. It takes off as soon as you two are safely on. 

\--

 

The view from the Finalizer is more up-close than you’re comfortable with. You feel to close as the red beams shoot out from Starkiller. Too close when they rumble the entire ship beneath your feet. Too close to Kylo, who is as stiff as a rock as he watches. You feel it too much, the screaming and crying and- then the silence. The billions of lives snuffed out in a matter of seconds. You feel it all, as if you are experiencing them yourself.

 

You have to grab Kylo to steady yourself. You clench your eyes shut to stop the tears. You hold onto the fabric on his shoulder so tightly that it begins to rip under your fingertips. You gasp for a breath, trying to calm yourself. 

He pulls you close to his chest. He doesn’t care who sees it. He holds you until you stop shaking. Until the echos of their screams finally leave your skull. And you find yourself terrified. So scared of losing it.. Of losing him. Of Snoke seeing right through his plan and… snuff, like a candle. Kylo Ren-- Ben Solo-- is no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> X-X I've been trying so hard to keep writing. But life's got me down lately so it's not easy to find the time- or energy for that matter- to keep this up. But- I did promise that this wouldn't turn out like all my other fanfics, and I would keep it updated, so no matter how long it takes me... I will always update.


	8. Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally have a chance to get away... But you must go alone. For the sake of Ben's mission.

“How- How can you do _**THAT**_?!” You sob, clutching onto his chest. You feel like something is pulling you towards the floor. Ben rubs your back lightly with his thumb, trying his best to comfort you. “You felt them, didn’t you...?” You ask quietly.

He sighs, the mechanical noise making you shudder ever so slightly. “Yes...”

You feel like throwing up. You take a deep breath. _‘You’re in public. Compose yourself.’_ You think, taking a step back and running your fingers through your hair. Ben tilts his head downwards, watching you.

“It’s time.” He says, reaching out and taking your hand in his. You nod, and the two of you make your way back to the command shuttle. You sit quietly, watching Ben as the shuttle takes off. He turns his head to you ever so slightly, making you look away quickly.

You have no idea if he was even looking at you just now. But… you still can’t face him. You know why he did it, but it doesn’t stop the pounding in your ears. You clutch at your pants, shaking ever so slightly. Why? You’ve killed before. You’ve killed a lot of people. But this? This was different somehow. You don’t know how… maybe because you were so close? Maybe because you watched the planet explode into nothingness. You don’t know, and- fuck - it was making you want to scream.

It’s not long before the command shuttle reaches Takodona, and as soon as it lands you shoot up from your seat. The sounds of crumbling rock and blasters fill your ears. You glance back at Ben as he steps up to you.

“This is your chance.” He says quietly. It takes you a small moment to understand what he means. He means that you won’t be entering the command shuttle again. You won’t be flying back to the base. You look up at him, wide eyed, pleading for him to come with you. But he simply replies with a small shake of the head.

You start to feel sick again. Anything could happen now. What is he going to tell Snoke? That you abandoned post? Died?— No, of course not. Snoke would know it if you died. Your stomach feels heavy as you look away.

 _‘I love you…’_ You say in your head. Not that it matters if you say it out loud. Nobody really cares about your relationship with the commander. But- you're absolutely sure you'd choke on your words if you tried to say it out loud. You bite down on your lip and take a deep breath, awaiting his answer.

_‘I know.’_

You swallow a sob, watching the door fall open instead of watching Ben. You look at anything but him. You rush out of the shuttle as if it’s about to explode... and instead of heading into the fray, you run as fast as possible towards the forest. Just for a little while. Just until things cool down here. You don’t look behind you at Ben, or at the sounds of x-wings and TIE fighters above. You duck under some leaves, getting away.

\--

You know the sound of the command shuttle taking off all too well. At for a small moment you want to rush out, stop it. Go with him. But you stay put until you know that it is gone. You wipe your eyes, feeling the tears as they wet your palm. You feel so weak.

After a few minutes, you decide to stand. You look out, gasping as you see her. General Leia, along with Han Solo. You trip as you try to get out of the brush. As you run up to them, you catch a bit of their conversation.

“-Our son... he was here.” Han says, neither of them notice you approach. You’re almost there when a hand wraps around your arm, throwing you backwards. It’s not that strong, so you don’t fall or anything. Just enough to stop you. You look up at the person who grabbed you. It’s the rouge stormtrooper. Fn2187.

“You. Stay away.” He growls. He knows you, although you’d never once bothered with any of the stormtroopers. He _knows_ you, and not just from Jakku. You were quite famous along with the other Knights. You hold your hands up in front of you, showing that you mean no harm. Han and Leia both look at you and Fn2187 with raised eyebrows.

“Wait-- _Listen_ -” You try, only to be interrupted by the ex-stormtrooper.

“Why should I listen to you? You’re on of those _monsters!_ ” He says defensively, making you flinch. He has his hand wrapped around a lightsaber, though he’s not activating it.

“Wait.” Leia chimes in. She watches you with squinted eyes. You look back at her, full of fear. All you want to do is help. “Let her speak.” She says, waving a hand.

Fn2187 glances between you and the General and then takes a step back. “Alright, talk.” He says, folding his arms across his chest. You take a deep breath, standing up straight.

“I’m here because of K- Because of _Ben_.” You say shakily, praying that they will believe you. The ex-stormtrooper seems confused, of course he does. He doesn’t know Kylo Ren’s real name. But the looks on Han and Leia’s face show that they know exactly whats happening.

Neither of them speak, so you decide to continue. “He sent me here... because...” You pause for a moment. “Well-” How on earth are you just supposed to say, ‘because me and your son are in love and he doesn’t want me to die in a huge fiery explosion’ without freaking everybody out? You take a shaky breath, closing your eyes for a second. “I can’t tell you everything... he’ll die if I do... But... I’m here because he wants to protect me... and I want to help.”

Leia gives you a sympathetic look and walks closer to you. “He loves you.” She says quietly. You nod. “You love _him._ ” She continues, smiling sadly. You nod once more.

“Well,” Han chimes in, putting his hands on his hips. “If Finn here could turn over a new leaf, I don’t see why she can’t either.”

Finn. You remember to call him Finn from now on. You look over at him and he glances away, he either feels bad for stopping you, or he still doesn’t trust you. You look at the ground and then back up to Leia. “I have a lot of useful information.” You say, a bit less shaky than any of your previous statements. Leia nods and gestures to her ship. You smile a bit and nod, quickly making your way on board.


	9. Grasp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But love will not save him. Whether it be from you or from his parents.

Finn really doesn’t like you. He doesn’t trust you, and you don’t blame him. You _understand_ him. You had tried to kill him, and so had ~~Kylo~~ Ben. Not to mention his friend, Rey. Oh yes, that’s right. The spear wielding three-bun wonder in all her glory was kidnapped by none other than _your boyfriend._ ~~Was he technically your ex now?~~ You guess that that’s the only reason they haven’t shot you. They need you, and Leia seems to trust you. So does Han. Because they need you to save their son. But Finn can’t seem to look your way without sending out a nasty glare.

 

You’re not surprised to see yet another green planet when you step out of the ship. The First Order seemed to have a thing for dark and cold, uninviting places. Whereas the Resistance seemed to enjoy sunshine and parties on the beach.  You imagine them laughing after a battle that they won, running along the shore. You have to hold back a smile. 

 

“So,” Han Solo approaches you, hand on his hip. He reminds you of Ben. You find it kind of funny that Ben could be so much like the man he  _pretended_ to hate. “What can you tell us?”

 

You glance uncomfortably to Finn as he glares. He stands next to a man who you assume is his boyfriend or something. Why else would they be standing so close? Moving on. You sigh and look back at Han and Leia. “They know where you’re hiding. They’re planning on using Starkiller to wipe out the resistance.”

 

Leia takes a step towards you, pursing her lips. “Tell me more about Starkiller.” Before you can answer, Finn steps in and starts explaining what it is. You don’t try to stop him, you don’t  feel like talking much anyway. You want to sleep, at least for as long as you could before shit started to get crazy. 

 

A hand rests on your shoulder gently and you look back. Finn’s boyfriend stands behind you, and he gives you a sort of sympathetic look. You raise an eyebrow, why should he give you such a look? After all, it was  _ your _ beloved boyfriend who mentally tortured this poor soul for information. “You must be tired. I can show you to where you’ll be sleeping.”

 

Well, you can’t argue. You’re exhausted. From running, and from crying. You nod slowly and look back at Leia and Han, who’ve now completely dismissed your presence. You can’t entirely blame them, though. Who would have time to think of their crazy son’s ex-girlfriend?

 

-

You raise both your eyebrows in surprise, looking over the bedroom. It’s even nicer than the one on Starkiller. It’s much bigger and much brighter. The bed is large and covered in soft blankets and fluffy pillows. You wonder how such a room on a temporary base would have been given so much attention.

“Thanks.” You say, turning around. The man, you learned that his name is Poe, nods at you and smiles. You can’t help but feel a bit suspicious. Poe is the Resistance’s best pilot. He knows who you are, he has to know who you are. He turns to walk out, but pauses and looks back at you.

 

“I don’t blame you,” He says, “For everything, I mean.” And that’s all he has to say because the understanding bubbles in your heart and chest and you have to focus on the soft blankets of the bed to keep yourself from crying again.  _ This  _ was the resistance. He nods gently and leaves and hardly a second after he’s gone, you’re throwing yourself down onto the bed and wrapping yourself in the blankets.

  
\--

 

The air around you feels bitter. It's lashing at you, violently, as if it were a whip. The scent that lingers all around you makes you gag. But the sight is worse, and you can feel it being carved into your memory, never to go away. Bodies lay in front of you, limbs torn from their bodies. Some of them seize up, still breathing. You can’t stop looking at them, and you can’t stop walking through them. Your legs refuse to listen to you, they only move, as if mechanical. Your eyes feel swollen and puffed as you choke back tears. A hand reaches out to you, desperate. But you keep moving. You hear someone calling to you, hoarse and dry. But you keep going. 

 

And the bodies never end. They never go away. Millions are scattered about, all killed in different ways. They lay in blood puddles, some even face down. You shut your eyes. You can’t stand to look at them anymore. You keep walking, without choice.  And in the distance, you hear a lightsaber being activated. You hear Ben call out to you, desperate. But you don’t stop walking, you can’t. You can’t even turn around to find him, and you can’t will your voice to answer back. It is then that you realize the saber is not his. It does not crackle in that familiar way. Instead, it is smooth. You tense, but your legs do not let you stop and Ben is getting further away and calling out to you. And then you hear him yell in pain- in agonizing suffering and it still your legs carry you away from him. You hear the saber cut through him, you hear him call your name one more time. Then there is silence. It crawls up your spine and presses down on your skull and you can’t stop the flow of tears running like the waterfalls of Naboo. 

 

Still, your legs refuse to stop moving. They are becoming numb, and you want to _ stop. _ You know it is a dream, you know that, but you won’t wake up. You just keep walking. You keep sobbing and wishing you could turn around and go back for him. You wish that you could find the source of the lightsaber. You wish you could wake up, go back to reality, find your Ben. Find Leia and Han’s Ben. Save that Ben. Save him from the impending doom you know that awaits him. Awaits him in the force of an old, scarred face. In Snoke. 

 

You feel something push against your shoulder that you cannot see, and your legs finally give out beneath you. The moment that you hit the ground, your eyes are open and you are in your room on the rebel base. Poe Dameron and Finn are standing by your bed. Poe’s hand is on your shoulder as if he’d been trying to shake you awake. You feel hot tears on your cheeks and blink the rest from your tired eyes. You sit up and wipe as much of it away as you can and try not to look at them. You barely know them, and you don’t care for their sympathy. Or at least Poe’s sympathy. You’ve lived with these nightmares for years, you are sure that you will live with them forever. 

But when you look at Finn, you see something different than what you saw before. You see the worry in his eyes, you see  _ understanding _ and it makes more tears bubble up and spill. You cover your face with your hands and let the rest of them fall. You sigh and uncover your face. “Why are you in here?” You ask, looking at both of them with a glare that could  _ kill.  _ You know that you are still strong, and no amount of nightmares is ever going to change that. 

Poe glances at Finn as if he’s asking permission to speak. Finn looks at you with that same understanding mirrored in his eyes and you swear you could punch him. But instead, you choke back the tears that threaten to continue spilling and turn your attention solely to Poe Dameron. “Finn came in first. He heard you…” He trails off but you can hear the unsaid word clearly.  _ Screaming. _ Because it wouldn’t be the first time. 

You feel your throat swell as you remember the last time. On the foreign planet with Kylo in your small tent. When the old woman had scratched you and clawed at you. When you had first seen Ben Solo creep back from the cage he was held so tightly in. When you had realized that you were in love with him. 

Shaking your head, you push the thoughts far away. You focus your mind on Finn and Poe and  _ reality.  _ “It was just a nightmare. I get them often,” You say.

“Me too,” Says Finn, and you snap up to look at him. It was only hours ago that he had been sending you death glares, and now this? But you know why. He was so incredibly  _ good  _ in his heart and his soul and no amount of  _ looks  _ could make him hate you forever. You are only human, after all. He knows this, he understands it, and he shows it. You let a few tears slip from your eyes and then push it away, push all of it away. 

“Thank you,” You whisper, to the both of them, and you aren’t completely sure  _ why.  _ Perhaps it is because Poe has given you kindness, while most would shun you or even try to attack you for your past deeds. Perhaps it is because Finn understands you, while you can imagine only one other person doing the same.

That person is left behind and shut out and has  _ gone.  _ Or rather, he has made  _ you  _ go. Ben Solo does not and will not exist any longer, you feel that deep down in your bones. It makes you want to scream out because there isn’t anything you can do to stop it. Ben does not exist because his of his purpose he has given himself. He will try to defeat the beast, and the beast will swallow him up. Ben Solo will be gone, so will Kylo Ren. He will be gone because he is brave. Because that bravery gave you a small amount of  _ happiness and love.  _ And you  _ do  _ love him. 

But love will not save him. Whether it be from you or from his parents. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man oh man it was sure been a long time! But I got rid of a lot of fics and now I am focusing on the main few. So be ready for a lot of chapters.


	10. Base

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You head to Starkiller.

 

The sirens wail loudly in your ears, making your eardrums thump in pain. Poe is making his way to an X-Wing. Finn is dragging you along with him and Han. You're walking towards the Millennium Falcon. The vision of Starkiller seeps into your brain again, leaving your stomach in a tight knot that pushed its way into your legs until they ache. You pass by a Wookie- by Chewbacca- and climb aboard. 

 

It's your ending- you think. If you go back, this is the end. But you can't bring yourself to care about your own life. Not when you've stolen so many more- not when there is still one you're trying to save. Not yours. 

 

Ben. He pushes into your thoughts more violently than the fire of Starkiller base. You see him as you did before- training with his uncle. His hair clipped back- that ridiculous braid behind his ear. He turns to look at you and smiles. Then the memory fades. 

 

You push up against the seat and shut your eyes. It's an hours ride or so to Starkiller from the base. You promise yourself you won't fall asleep- just rest your eyes a bit. 

 

They are open an hour later when the ship lurches and pops. You go forward, barley being stopped by the table in front of you. Your arm hits a button and tiny monsters appear. You hit it again and stand. The ship is still moving a bit, and it has started to curve. It stops a moment later and release your grip on the chair. Finn comes out, Han and Chewbacca follow. The wookie holds a bag of explosives. Fire creeps back into your mind. 

 

_ Not yours.  _

 

Starkiller is still miserable. Cold. You didn't listen during the briefing on the rebel base. You knew where you wanted to be. You have to find Ben. You have to get rid of Kylo. You have to save him. 

 

The group of you hides behind a structure and look at the oscillator.  Finn mumbles something about his spear wielding wonder- Rey. 

 

“What was your job here, kid?” Asks Han. Neither you or Finn are sure who he's talking to so you both answer. 

 

“Knight,” you reply. 

 

“Janitorial,” Says Finn at the same time. 

 

There's a lull- Han grabs Finn by the shoulder and pulls him back. You look at them- eyebrows creased.  “Jani-- then how do you know how to disable the shields?!”

 

“He doesn't.” You answer for Finn, turning your attention back to the oscillator. “He came here for his friend.”

 

Han looks at you, stares for a moment. His head snaps back to Finn- stares. He turns back to you and then to Finn and back to you. “So do  _ you  _ know how to do it?”

 

“Of course not. But I know someone who  _ does _ ,” You reply. Chewbacca makes a strangled noise that makes you think of a little kid.

 

“Oh,  _ you’re  _ cold?!” Han snaps.

 

You can’t hold back a smile. 

 

\--

 

You imagined that it would be _ harder _ to infiltrate such a place as Starkiller. However there’s almost no ‘troopers roaming the hallway. Chewbacca had shot one down upon entry, but other than that one there was really no issues. 

 

You lean against the side of the door, listening. There’s a sound of someone stomping as it gets closer. Phasma. You wait, motion for Chewbacca to get ready, and as she nears the door you move out of the way. The Wookie charges out the door and crashes into the chrome woman. 

 

You’re disappointed when they don’t take off her helmet. You were always curious to see Phasma’s face. Some bantering and an overenthusiastic Finn later, Phasma lets the shields down and is thrown into the trash compactor.  _ She’ll be fine. I bet.  _ You think- at least. 

 

The group heads out to find Rey- at least Finn and Han. You’re looking for Ben. That’s why you came here. You’ve now realized how easy it has become to call him Ben. 

 

The others don’t hear it- they are not sensitive to the Force. But you hear it, you’ve become used to it. It’s Ben- no, no… this is Kylo. He is roaring and the Force is shaking and you know that Rey has escaped custody before you see her climbing. 

 

\--

 

Your chest aches hard when Finn and Rey hold each other. She hasn’t given you a second glance. Han intervenes a moment later. 

 

“Escape now, hug later!” He whispers harshly, and the two break. Rey looks at you for a second- only a second. She nods, once, and follows as you guys make your exit. You don’t try to run off- there would be no point. Wherever Han goes- Ben will follow. 

As you walk- you watch Han carefully.  _ Ben is going to try to kill him,  _ you think to yourself- because you know. He’ll kill him to prove to Snoke that he has turned to the dark side. He’ll kill his father so that he will be  _ that much closer _ to achieving his goal.

 

You wait for Chewy and Han to go in first, trailing behind them once Finn and Rey are distracted enough. Ben will follow Han, so you must as well. 

  
The two separate in the hangar, going to place the explosives. They don’t notice you come in behind them.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOY! I am so so sorry AGAIN for how long it takes me to post. The issue is that I keep getting ideas for new fics.... But I promise to wrap this one up! I PROMISE. Thank you guys so much for sticking with me and reading.


	11. End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find your Ben

 

You see him, maybe even before Han does. Rage is radiating off of him in waves that stop you dead in your tracks. 

 

You have to stop him here. You  _ need  _ to stop him here.

 

The blaster you’d nabbed some place in the rebel base burns at your side, and you know you’ll have to use it to get to him. There are troopers everywhere.

 

He pivots around a corner, and you follow. You guess that he already knows you are here, or maybe that he’s too distracted to notice.

 

He turns again, heading towards the bridge. You know you have to stop him, and you know that you could die here tonight, but the first is more important.

 

“Ben,” You say, but it comes out barely above a whisper. He still hears you, though. He stops and the rage that you sensed before is gone. Instead, he is afraid. You feel a shiver run up your spine as the xwings above continue to fire.

 

“(Y/N),” Ben turns to you- Ben. And even though he’s wearing that dreadful bucket on his head, all you can see is a fifteen year old with bright brown eyes and a big goofy smile. 

 

“You don’t have to do this,” You step towards him, and hold out your hands. He takes them. “We can find Luke. We can do this together.”

 

He stares at your linked hands as if he’s considering this possibility. 

 

“Ben,”

 

He looks at you.

“Take the mask off. Please. I want to see your face.” You almost feel like you  _ need  _ to see it. 

 

There’s a moment, just a little moment of hesitation, and Ben moves. He removes the mask with that satisfying hiss and tosses it aside.

 

And then he kisses you. 

 

It hasn’t been that long since the two of you kissed, you think. But it feels like forever, and this one feels different. It doesn’t feel like goodbye or hello or stop talking. It feels like ‘i love you, I will always love you, I will cross this universe for you,”

 

And then Han yells. He yells for his son, desperate and happy and all the emotions you feel as Ben Solo cups your cheeks and smiles down at you. There are tears on his cheeks.

 

He drops his hands and takes yours, then turns to his father. Han is far away, but he’s close enough that you can see the expression on his face. He’s shocked, but he’s happy. He is seeing his son for the first time in years. Ben goes to him, letting go of your hands.

 

They embrace and you now realize that  _ you  _ are crying. Chewbacca roars from above and a blaster shot goes off. You duck, and see that he’s just shot a stormtrooper that was about to shoot you.

 

“We need to get out of here!” Han shouts and gestures to the door. You run with them to get out before they can detonate the bombs.

 

And then everything starts to move fast. You and Rey, Finn and Ben, Han and Chewbacca. You all run like hell back to the ship. The explosives go off and the planet begins to crumble beneath you. You’re on the ship and escaping before the planet becomes a sun.

 

-

 

It’s quiet on the ship, just a bit uncomfortable. Rey is glaring daggers at Ben, Finn just looks flat out confused about why the hell he’s here in the first place. 

 

Ben wrings his hands together, glances at her, and then goes back to the floor. You nudge his shoulder. He takes a deep breath and looks back at her. “I’m- sorry…”

 

“Sorry isn’t good enough,” Rey tells him, angrily. 

 

He goes silent after. 

 

You hold his hands, making him stop. “Go talk to your father,” You suggest. He hesitates and nods, standing and leaving the room. Once you’re sure he’s gone you look at Rey and begin.

“You shouldn't forgive him… for what he did. But now, now he’s going to try to make it better. At least try to understand- everything he did was so that he could get close to Snoke. He’s better than me, at least. All of the bad stuff I did- I never had a reason. I even enjoyed some of it. But Ben- he never wanted any of this.”

 

Rey watches you as you speak and then shifts uncomfortably. “I’ll… try. I’ll try to give him another chance, but…”   
  


“I get it. I don’t expect it to be easy. But it does need to happen, especially if we find Skywalker and go after Snoke. We’ll need to stand together.”

 

\--

 

The reunion between Master Skywalker and the both of you is nothing short of disastrous. There’s yelling, crying, and then eventually hugging. Luke wasn’t exactly what you remembered him being, but he was still your Master. And he was still Ben’s uncle. 

 

Not long after that, the Jedi team that you’ve formed heads out into the galaxy and takes down the Order piece by piece until there’s nothing left but Snoke. 

 

The battle is long and difficult. But you manage to pull through together. And you’ll always be together. Forever.

 

The end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah yeah it's kind of a dumb end. I didn't want to include anything from the new movie because I already had this ending in mind. Anyway, I finally finished a flipping story! I hope you enjoyed, thank you so much!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so glad to actually be writing this! This idea has been in my brain for a very long time and I'm so excited to finally get it done. I'm going to be updating as often as possible. If I can, most likely every day to every other day. I already have about four chapters written out, so I'll be able to update in the next few days. Also, I am going to-- for once-- set an amount of chapters that I want to write. That way you will know when it's nearing the end and I won't just drop it off. I will most likely leave room for a sequel, maybe even a prequel (That shows our readers full background before finding Kylo and Snoke and becoming a Knight of Ren. It'll include the first time the reader meets Kylo and they see each other without their helmets on)
> 
> Anyway. I hope that you all enjoy the 32 chapters that I am going to write. (P.S. if you like one of the OC's that I use in the story, and think that they are awesome and could fit into your own writing, feel free to use them!)


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